Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Now it's Craig's turn....

Why get a real review when you can read our crap?

We’re now clearly on a roll, so I’ll keep the ball rolling. My god, let’s also see how many times I can use the word “roll” in this analogy of moving along. Speaking of moving along…

This has been a radically different summer than the norm so far in terms of game releases. While we typically assume that the summer is the time where you go back to finishing all those Christmas releases that you never finished, companies have finally realized that gamers actually want to purchase new games beyond of the winter. Honestly, did companies believe all games were bought by parents for their children as a holiday gift? Don’t those damn studies show that the average gamer has risen to 35 (which, by the way, makes me incredibly happy that I am on the low side of that study…Mike, on the other hand...)? Seriously, how many 35 year olds are saying, “Mommy, here’s my Christmas list…don’t forget to add Batman: Arkham Asylum at the bottom!” What the fuck?? We're semi-adults, goddammit. Please, try to treat us that way. And I say that with the full realization that I do a podcast where I get to get hammered and talk about tech and video games, so I have very little credibility in the "adult" regard.

Okay, back to the original point. Fact: Games are actually coming out in the summer time, which is a good thing. Fact: Not all those games are going to be good, which is also a good thing. Without average, or better yet, crappy games coming out from crappy companies, we would never really understand how great the other games really are. Final Fact: Sometimes average games come out very close to great games, and are destined to get slammed in the comparison. Sucks to be those games, but it happens. Remember when “Mamma Mia!” was released in the theaters? Probably not, because you were busy seeing “The Dark Knight” for the fifth time at a midnight showing in IMAX. Whoops…great timing.

Now, imagine if “Mamma Mia”! was about a brooding superhero who fought crime, but had clearly sub-par special effects, a non-existent storyline, and still starred that bug-eyed chick from “Mean Girls” singing shitty ABBA songs. Not only would it still have been destroyed by TDK, it also would’ve been panned for being a copy-cat that was clearly inferior. Any idea where I am going with this?

A few weeks back, inFamous was released for the PS3. For those not in the know, it stars a gravelly-voiced 'who-cares' character that is suddenly infused with the ability to control electricity during an explosion that rocks some major city. The player gets to decide whether they use these powers for good or evil. The choices are often rather heavy-handed and evenly poorly implemented, but the idea is interesting and the power schemes are cool. What makes the game a must-buy for the PS3-owner is two-fold: a) the controls are incredibly, and hearken back to the feeling of “Assassin’s Creed”, and b) you don’t own shit for the PS3 that was worth a damn, so at least you can buy something for your shelf other than another stupid Blu-Ray.

I love this game. While the character (Cole something or other, but let’s just call him Generic Video-Game AntiHero, henceforth know as GVGAH) is a pretty generic representation of the old 80’s action movie star, the way he moves about the city is incredible on the eyes. You really get the feeling that you can go anywhere and do anything. You never worry about landing a jump, grabbing a handhold, or shimmying down a wall. Mike and I instantly agreed that one of the best parts of the game is when you jump to a lamppost. Seriously, that conversation actually happened. The way GVGAH slides down a bit as his momentum carries him to the post is the definition of immersive. You immediately understand how he interacts with the world, and you don’t have to work to pull off cool moves. It becomes second nature, which is what games are supposed to do. I shouldn’t constantly have to think about the controls, I should just be able to do stuff. Go try it, you'll see what we mean. No worries, we'll wait.

Now on to the other game that came out a few weeks back. You may have heard of a little game called Prototype. You may have even purchased this multi-platform game. Go return it, right now. If you opened it, I apologize. Speaking of which, remember when you used to be able to buy a game, beat that shit, and return it to Babbage’s for a new game? Hahahahahaha….dumbasses.

But I digress. So, back to my original point, which is this: Prototype sucks. The game is so similar to inFamous in multiple ways: the idea of an open world, a character with powers, concept of being able to run over and up anything and everything, etc. But it’s just not as well-implemented, or even as fun. I played a total of 10 minutes, and then went back to inFamous. The character is cornier, the controls are weaker, the animations are much worse, and the graphics aren’t even as good. Sure, there are more powers, but they are exponentially less fun to control than GVGAH’s electric-based power set. And I couldn’t care less about the stupid character and his revenge mission. He is a hoodie-wearing weak mash-up of potentially interesting ideas put in a blender, resulting in some douche who is inexplicably less interesting than the mentally-challenged mute from GTA3. He actually made me angry at my screen. Jesus, how hard is it to make a character that draws you in, or at least doesn't pull you out of the world? Apparently harder than we think, because most developers suck at it.

Can you imagine the thoughts that went through said developer’s heads when they saw inFamous was released? Here’s my guess:

“Wow…another game with a character running through a city, kicking the shit out of everyone with his anti-hero powers! Awesome! That will totally help our game sell more units. Wait, what? You said the game controls well? Oh well, who cares. People bought a shitload of Res 5, and that game controls like a retarded person. Oh, and it looks beautiful? Ummm….okay, well, we can steal people’s souls! So it also animates well and draws people in to the world instantly? Oh fuck, can we delay launch until 2010??”

Sucks, huh? We play a ton of games. You may have noticed. We don’t necessarily beat a lot of games. I will probably beat inFamous. I will never, ever in a million years beat Prototype. Honestly, I may never even put it back in the tray. If that isn’t a ringing endorsement, I don’t know what else to say. I can say I know this isn’t really a review; it’s more of a rambling stream of consciousness. But in the end, if you only take one thing from this comparison/review, remember this: Mike is old. Way older than me.
Barcode Ratings:
inFamous: 21 out of 30, or a terrible, incredibly flawed incredibly fun and immersive model-level game
Prototype: 6 out of 30, or an average at best horrific crap game

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

You Are Not Ready....

...for Mike's Mother-Shagging Furious Review.
But you already clicked on this post, so you might as well read it.

“I figured it was about time that I voiced some comments on this blog….those of you that follow us know that I am the REAL talent on the BarCODE Podcast. It should follow that you would purchase anything that I ENDORSED….and so, here is my Ghostbusters review.

Ahem…..you should DEFINTELY, possibly think about maybe purchasing this game. Maybe. I am not sure.

Shit. How the hell does one review something that is so truly un-reviewable? A game that exists on two completely different planes of existence, that is so diametrically opposed – to itself – that is needs more therapy than Sonny and Cher’s “daughter”. Seriously, I play this game and simultaneously laugh and scream for the duration of the session. But I digress, let’s get to the reviewing….

Recall that this game has been through quite a development process, and was originally slated to launch in 2007, then pushed to early 2008 and finally hit US shores in mid-2009. During this tumultuous time, the game lost its license, gained it back, lost its voice talent and writers, gained them back, lost its publisher, found a new one AND changed graphical engines TWICE. Craig and I actually picked this to be our most anticipated game – of 2008. Ooops. We have not been this off since Craig reviewed the movie “JuMPeR” – favorably. Finally, the game launches with Harold Ramis and Dan Aykroyd co-writing the script, Aykroyd, Murray, Ramis and that black guy adding voice-over and Alyssa Milano adding her voice and tits to the character that supposedly replaces Sigourney Weaver, who was allegedly “on the fence” about this project, to which the producers said “great, beat it bitch, we have someone just as recognizable who happens to have the correct amount of chromosomes.” If you are wondering where Rick Moranis might be, so is his wife, so if you find this reclusive douchebag, please let her know. All of the voice work is top notch, with two exceptions: 1) Bill Murray’s ‘Peter Venkman” is nearly laughable as it sounds like Murray doing an impression of Venkman doing an impression of Murray doing an impression of a cadaver, and 2) that black guy (who I was just informed is Ernie Hudson, but will still be referred to as ‘that black guy’) apparently plugged into the Matrix where Tank programmed him to be super smart with a PhD in Spectral Anomalies. The dialogue is reasonably witty, each character (except that black guy) seems to channel the same personality you’d expect after seeing the movies, and the story itself could truly be GB3-worthy in the theaters. The atmospheric and gameplay sounds as well as the soundtrack are spot-on and I think represent the strongest quality of this offering. Before I move to the gameplay, I feel it important to address what seems to be the BIGGEST gripe that other, more reputable reviewers have with the production – the lip-syncing is waaaay off. Oh no, what will we do? Who cares if it is fun, just as long as the lips match the sounds I hear. My rebuttal – I don’t give a shit about the lip syncing, I am not paying attention to their mouths and frankly neither should you. When watching porn, I pay attention to what goes INTO the mouth, not what is coming out, and I do them same when playing a video game. You should too. In retrospect, I realize I am hypocritical, since I don’t play games with my hand down my pants, but that would just be silly and would ruin my argument. Bottom line, watch porn instead of playing this game.


Ok, first thing you should do when inserting this disc into your 360 – INSTALL THE GAME TO YOUR HARDDRIVE. Do this now, do not even consider the consequences if you do not, unless you are like Craig and really lament for more Ray Parker Jr. in the game. Ray Parker Jr. can eat my ass as can the coders for this game who thought that we might not mind a 45 second load time EVERY TIME YOU DIE – which is wayyyy too often at the medium or high difficulty. Which brings me to the confusing part of my review…..right off the bat, I was in love with this game. Regardless of being a ghostbusters geek (which I am not) or being a huge fan of polished menus and start screens (which I unabashedly am), this game is poised to rule right from the jump. Graphics are ‘good enough’ – think Gears of War with proton packs – and the controls are exactly where I think they should be. Craig said it best by noting that ‘the controls feel just out of control enough to make you believe you are firing a proton pack, and just soft enough to feel like you are controlling an overweight New Yorker’ and he is, BEGRUDGINGLY, exactly right. I think the sign of a fun game is whether the designer can make the requisite game mechanics tutorial be more integrated into the game, and they succeed wholeheartedly on this one. So, I have my controls down, the graphics are good, the music and sound is great, I am loving life as I enter the Sedgewick Hotel in search of Slimer and the rest of the stuff I would expect from a GB title. Then the strangest thing happens – I am fighting several ghosts at once and my counterparts keep falling down, requiring me to go and revive them, which I do with great regret as they apparently do nothing to the overall health of the ghosts, and, ooops I get knocked down, so I get back up, and I start –ooops, just knocked down again, but no worries, I am getti – ooops, I am knocked down, this time BEFORE MY FRIGGIN ASS of a character IS OFF THE GROUND from the last knockdown, and this last one has ME needing a revival. But, lo and behold, the others are also on the ground, which leaves me DEAD. Cue the 45 second loading screen, cue RPJr and his soulglow, cue the snazzy animated loading screen. Rinse, and repeat. A LOT. To say the AI is cheap would not be accurate, or fair, but to say the AI is frustrating would be the most accurate thing said since ‘Adam Lambert is flamingly gay’. Never before in my 30+ years of gaming have I been so angry with an in-game death, then compelled by the sheer joy of the game when on my feet to actually restart, then pushed to suicide by a freaking loading screen, and finally forced to repeat this over and over just to see the next room/level/set piece. It is a testament to the overall design of this game that someone as cynical and A.D.D. as I would be as far into this game as I am. This mechanic of frustrating teammate AI and restarts continues and get more and more frustrating with each level – but so does the enjoyable locations, sound effects and upgradable joy as you purchase add-ons to your pack. Installing the game on your HDD can speed up the load times marginally, but it does nothing for the sheer anger you will experience when you spend 15 minutes running and reviving teammates only to find that you have essentially accomplished NOTHING over those 15 minutes central to the situation – remember, your boys do NOTHING to the health of the ghosts, they only assist in throwing traps and wrangling. The install also triggers some weird glitches and hold-ups in the game, so you are not home free. I think back to some other incredibly frustrating games I have played the hell out of, the first one cropping up being California Games, an early Commodore 64 title. This game was incredibly frustrating, but the load times were INSTANT, so I could fail the BMX course about 1000 times in an hour. The level I am currently playing in GB takes about 10 minutes before I die, although it could be 45 minutes if I chose to extend it, and the only thing I have to look forward to is the nose picking time I will get waiting for the level to load. In the end, I will probably not finish this game (go figure to those that know me), but I really, really REALLY want to! And that is why this is such an odd and unique situation. To quote the Gamespot.com reviewer “
As vexing as these annoyances are, they're not so prominent that they cloud the experience” – what? Absolute frustration doesn’t cloud the experience? How about when my stupid compatriots get stuck behind a box and you need to restart a level since they apparently only make a bee-line for the next checkpoint rather than actually navigating a path? How about then, shitbag? I think you see my point, but let me try to incorporate this thought process into my review. When I was shagging your mom, she kept popping uppers, shitting uncontrollably and calling me ‘Daffodil’ – still, as vexing as these annoyances are, they're not so prominent that they cloud the experience. Yep, that about says it all.

In closing, Ghostbusters The Video Game is a worthy purchase, I think, if for no other reason than to see a license actually used correctly and shoot proton packs and slime cannons at that black guy whenever possible. I noted that this review was for the XBOX360 version as I understand that the Wii version differs significantly in both graphical style and gameplay mechanics. It is actually scoring higher on other sites for the Wii version which probably means that you can manually masturbate Slimer by shaking the Wiimote in an up and down motion or engage in a particularly stimulating mini-game involving the toaster from GB2, the painting of Viggo and a 22oz bottle of lube. As for the 360 version, you will find a thoroughly entertaining and excruciatingly frustrating experience at the same time.

Final Review (using a modified Patrice O’Neal hotness scale) – 21 out of 30, or an incredibly bad, great game”

The Show Turns 30...

...and yet the Barcode Fans still act like children.

Not that we're complaining or anything. I mean, seriously, we do a podcast about drinking and video games, so who are we to judge our fans? Now judge all the hard work of all the major players in the industry who put together elaborate showpieces for 2009's version of the Electronic Entertainment Expo? Now THAT's the kind of judging we can get behind.

And judge we do, by essentially crapping on their actual work using witty little inside jokes and drunken ramblings. But we are allowed to, because we have mics in front of our mouths, fans watching us live on the Internet via multiple cameras, callers from all walks of life, and proof that girls actually do like us. Seriously, a GIRL called out show! And she sounded hot! Like REAL person hot, not "Take what you can get because you're doing a tech podcast" hot. For real, you need to check that part out. We were just as surprised as you.

Anyway, this episode is all about E3, and once again we're able to prove that while we may not know as much about this stuff as we think we do, we DEFINITELY know more than you do, so just listen and learn as the Barcode Masters take you for a ride of knowledge. While under the influence. You should probably just buckle up, just to be safe.

-Check all this out and more over at
www.BarcodePodcast.com!

Makk & Mike
BarcodePodcast@gmail.com

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Need More Episode 29 Info?

You've Come to the Right Place.

Here's where we blog all the important things we talked about in Episode 29, and let you go enjoy it at your leisure. Don't forget to write in with your ideas for the Royal Rumble.

By the way, since I forgot last time, last Episode's Survey results said that 75% of the Listeners only beat about 25% or less of the games they play, with the remaining 25% claiming to beat an astounding 90% or more! Do not hesitate to answer the Survey this time, and please, if you ever see one of those 25% online, please mock those losers mercilessly. 90%?? Get a job!!

2) The BarcodePodcast Hot Line: (609) 910-1771

3) BarcodePodcast Insider's Dictionary Entry:
"The Stairwell Effect": refers to Mike's insistence that in order to explain away an absolutely ridiculous plot twist, one must simply say that the event is true; this will provide the watcher with all the information needed to believe the insane. For example, if the movie in question has a superhero who flies about in a steel suit fighting crime, the watcher will be unable to accept the premise without an explanation of where the fuel is kept. One must simply say, "Remember that incredible invention of the Fuel Capsule that can run an entire fleet of metal suits simply by placing them in the wearer's feet? Amazing, right?" Now this plot becomes completely plausible.
Used as in, "Whoa, how did Batman get all the way up on the roof of that 500 story buil....oooooh, wait, I see. Doesn't that sign say 'Stairwell'? Now it makes sense. Commence with the movie."

4) Game Shame On You Pick: Indigo Prophecy

5) Royal Rumble Selections
-Big Daddy
-Buddy Dacote
-Dracula
-Duke Nukem
-Gordon Freeman
-Random GTA Guy
-James Bond
-Ryu
-Mario
-Kratos
-Donkey Kong
-Samus Aran
-Link
-Wario
-Leon Kennedy
-WWII Soldier

Optionals
-Solid Snake
-Master Chief
-Lara Croft
-Toe Jam
-Otacon
-Blinx
-QBert
-Bo Jackson
-Raiden
-Spyro
-Johnny Cage
-Sub-Zero
-Spyro
-Super-Mutant (Fallout)
-Bowser
-King of All Cosmos
-Albert Wesker
-Saren (Mass Effect)
-Sheva
-Nathan "Radd" Spencer
-Buzz the Quiz Show Host

(Add Your Own Ideas by Emailing BarcodePodcast@Gmail.com!)

6) E3 Predictions
-Microsoft Motion Controller
-Sony Video Controller
-Team ICO Game Shown
-Alan Wake Video Shown
-Heavy Rain Playable
-PS3 Price Drop
-MAG Playable
-PSP Go! Officially Launches
-Ken Levine Game Launched
-MGS5 Shown
-Half-Life Episode 3 or something in the HL Universe Shown
-Most to Lose: Nintendo
-Mike: Microsoft Wins
-Craig: Sony Wins

Finally, don't forget, the Question of the Week is, "Who do you think won at E3?" Email us at BarcodePodcast@Gmail.com. Enjoy!

-Check all this out and more at
www.BarcodePodcast.com!

-Makk & Mike

Episode 29 will change the way you think about the BarcodePodcast.

Honestly, this Episode is Ground-Breaking.

Did you ever think you would be able to listen and respond to the Barcode Boys in REAL-TIME??

Well, now you can!

Thanks to the magic of the InnnerWebs, the Boys decided to broadcast the show live via LiveStream (formerly Mogulus....as in formerly like a few days ago while we were recording)! Then they decided to broadcast LIVE VIDEO! Yeah, as in the stuff that you don't get to see while listening to an AUDIO Podcast. So you are being notified up front: there are visual bits that were HILARIOUS while happening, but essentially utterly incomprehensible when you listen to it. Great way to bring in fans, right?
Anyway, the show starts as an absolute mess, with TONS of technical difficulties due to their desire to try to set this all up mere minutes before starting the show. But once things got rolling, this is a show for the ages. We learn such wonderful things as Mike's nickname for his genitals, which famous ex-action heroes are faithful listeners of the show, the inconsistencies of teleportation, game characters that look like accident victims, and much, much more. Plus we learn how to call and harass the Boys, which makes everything worthwhile. Honestly, you just need to listen for yourself. This show defies explanation.

-Check it all out and more over at http://www.barcodepodcast.com/!

-Makk & Mike

BREAKING NEWS: BarcodePodcast Update!

We're finally relatively High-Tech.

And by that we mean, we finally figured out how to work a phone. More specifically, and Internet Phone. So feel free to call the Barcode Boys yourself and leave a message on the
Brand-New BarcodePodcast Hot Line! The Hotline Number is:
(609) 910-1771

Feel free to call us and leave a message about the Question of the Week, a Listener Live, or just a random thought. We will listen to it LIVE on the Show (after pre-screening it to ensure it fits accepted social criteria, of course)!

-Check all this out and more over at
www.BarcodePodcast.com!

-Makk & Mike
www. BarcodePodcast.com

Here's Everything You Need to Know About Episode 28!

We Know You Don't Always Take Notes...

...so we post all the pertinent information from the show both on the Blog as well as on the Home Page under Updates Galore for your perusal. Honestly, it's amazing we get this up at all, because we don't take notes either and we also get really, really drunk. So we usually wing this section. Anyway, hope you enjoy it!


1) Best Websites to Swap Games Instead of Buying: www.Swaptree.com and www.Goozex.com


2) Our "Build the Perfect Handheld" Specs:
-Screen: 480 x 272, 4.3 inch Widescreen Display
-Form Factor: No Flip, Single Screen
-Input and Control: Touch Screen, Dual Analog Stick that Pops Up or Slides Underneath, Buttons Alongside vs Below Screen
-Add-ons: Ability to Attach Second Screen
-Shape: No Bigger than Current PSP, Must Fit in Pocket
-Game Delivery System: Digital Distribution, Ability to Transfer Games and Saves To/From PC
- Added Functionality: Camera, MP3, Mobile Wi-Fi, Optional Data Service (G3, etc), TouchScreen Keyboard
-Extras: Variable Birghtness Dial, Auto-Updating, Stand-By Mode Without Battery Drain


3) Heavy Metal Computers: See the Updates Galore Page for Examples of Heavy Metal Computers, and email MetalForever@Comcast.Net for More Information

You better go check some of these pages out! Enjoy, and see you next Episode!

-Makk & Mike